The Struggle

I feel like I’m in a funk that I just can’t seem to get out of and stay out of. For a time all is well and good but then I feel myself slip back into that space. It’s like quicksand it slowly pulls you in further and further till suddenly you realize its chest high and you’re stuck. The quicksand is filled with irritation, negativity, annoyance, little patience, and tired I am always so damn tired; I can see the way it affects those around me and it needs to end. Maybe I’m depressed? Is this depression? I’ve never been depressed before so I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just a rough patch I’m working through? I wrote in a previous post about how I need to be accountable for my actions and taking the time to think before I speak and act, instead of just reacting. I’m trying but I don’t always succeed, I like to think that I’m getting there but then something happens and doubt sets in if I really am doing as much as I can to be the best version of myself I can be.

Doing little things for myself has helped a lot, getting out and about for walks a few times a week, trying to watch my attitude (I’m still working on that one some… alright a lot), and changing things that aren’t working for me and not stressing out about the ones that I can’t change. Being in school in its own way has been good for me; being home most of the time with two kids I feel like my brain isn’t being utilized like it needs to be. Sure I read a lot and do piddly things like that but having to really think and problem solve has made me feel useful, intelligent, and better about myself because I can really see how well I am doing through my grades. I know my kids need me in the being useful sense and some days it can sure as shit be challenging but a lot of that comes naturally. It doesn’t take a lot of my brain cells to tell someone to stop jumping on the couch versus learning the ins and outs of the human body.

Struggling doesn’t just effect you it effects those around you; your kids, your spouse, maybe even your family and friends. I’ve noticed when I’m having rough days so does my family, everyone plays off of everyone else. Everyone wants to argue and have an attitude it’s just a vicious cycle but in turn though when everyone is in a good mood that’s radiates to everyone else as well. People give off vibes, if you’re sending out negativity you can bet your ass you’re going to be met with negativity in return; positive vibes work the same way. Just remember though that if you’re struggling you don’t have to do it alone, family, friends, your doctor if needed, and others struggling/have struggled are out there and are there to help.

One of my longtime friends asked me to play softball with her, we used to play together when we were younger for many years. She has asked me to play with her the past several years but I have either been pregnant or just had a baby but I begged her to not stop asking because one year I will do it. Well this year is that year and I cannot be more excited. Doing something physically active (other than lifting and chasing two kids all over creation) with friends will be a great mood lifter. Changing my mindset towards something more positive is a big thing I need to continue to work on, it won’t be overnight and it will take some time to get there but it will happen, I have to find what works for me. Maybe I have to summon the energy to be more active, maybe I need to eat better (I need to do that anyways), maybe there is something else I need to change in my life to get things back on track. There is only one way to find out and that is to actively work on healing myself.