Today is one of those days that I feel stuck. Like no matter what I want to do there is something that is stopping me, unfortunately the things that I really want are out of my hands at the moment. However there are other things that I can control but I don’t know how I need to go about them. While starting seems like it should be the easiest part, it’s not always. The first step can sometimes be the hardest. Making sure you do things right, that you have what you need, the correct information, all of that takes time and a lot of hard work.
I sit here and look the next few weeks and months down the road I feel like everything is just one giant unknown, and that is terrifying. There are a lot of changes that are coming in my life and trying to focus on one thing at a time just makes my brain melt because keeping that singular focus is so hard. When I focus on one topic it is like the town of South Park moves into my head and they just start saying rabble rabble rabble over and over again drowning out my thoughts until I give up what I started on. I know part of it is that I’ve been failing miserably on my self-care. I haven’t been doing things to center myself, so keeping my shit together and my anxiety down is impossible.
There is always that nagging feeling in the back of my head that IF I can do XYZ this one task will get better, or IF such and such happens I will be happy. I’m not living in the now and always worrying about the next thing, I’m realizing that. Showing and freely giving myself time, love and nourishment needs to be a higher priority in my life. There will always be things to worry about but I can’t let it get to the point of consuming me, or ripping my happiness of the now away.
Hmmm
Now that I sit here and really think about it, maybe that unknown shouldn’t be so terrifying after all. Maybe seeing it as more as the freedom of opportunity, change and growth is what matters. Being present in my life, and in my children’s lives is critical. Making memories that we can all cherish is vital. I don’t want stress and anxiety to run my life, I’m in the driver’s seat. I’m the one controlling how my life is going to turn out not anyone or anything else.
If I’m going to be consumed let it be not by darkness, but by happiness
If I’m going to fall, let it be in love with this life I have
If I need to be grounded, let it be my focus in the present and not by my troubles
It’s time for me to turn the rabble down, and turn my life up.
Diary of a Mom 